Grabbing a hold of the last flower petal

I am sure now that I have dropped a few pounds of brain cells. Indifferent to my surroundings and feeling numb, I travel forward not afraid of the path before me. It seems the grip which I hold over the few items which are left for me is solid in my grasp. So solid I cannot adjust it or even let if=t go. I wonder if with the complexities of life in this modern age weather I can survive, I am not suicidal, well at least not at the moment or have definite plans, but I am already dead. I can feel the sands from the “Summer of 42” between my toes and neon lights from the Friday night show at the single theater on the street. It’s so close to the boardwalk that those sands are wisps in the air outside in the cool breeze of the night. So many things are traveling through my brain. Do you remember the old wooden baskets which carried 3 lbs of tomatoes? The hand drill with the revolving wooden bevel gears? The slamming of the old spring on screen doors? Cotton and wool skirts long and plain and nothing in between but a simple woman. I wish for the simpler life. The one where the best thing of the day was the warm feel of a gentle hand across my forehead. I had a gift which was the driving force in my life. I gave it and gave it and they took and took. What I received in return was to be used and the rational of the usage is bazaar in the least. Slowly I feel a withering away of my drive and of my caring. There should be an answer. But it only works if you want it to.

Happy New Year 2014!

Well I made it as well as all who are still here with me in this world. It's time to reflect and see what is in store for us. Everything is possible within reason. Happiness and sadness will come this year and understanding that is so important. It's not time to turn over a new leaf, it's time to plant and water and feed a new tree to have new growth. Understand the past as a man who came from that Vintage Past and try not repeat anything but invent a whole new world of possibilities. Take a bite, give it your all as it may be your last.I have a new opportunity, a chance, and only with this effort shall I possibly prevail. They will not know me this year as I will not be a reflection of the man they knew.

I hope that all I meet will be wondrous to me and that they cast their shadow on me however light or dark it is.

Happy New Year to all who are alive and best of luck in this adventure.

I Hurt All over - It's has been a Long Long Life.

I have done many things in my life, more than most I do believe. I have always worked and always played hard except for the last 10 years. I have just worked hard these last 10. Went to high end prep schools out east and college in Boston and Michigan but never graduated. Worked in a Coney Island, worked for Boeing on aircraft engine parts, a couple of years offshore, worked at Caesars Palace in Vegas, owned a Mid-Century Store and for 30 plus years worked and then owned a specialty manufacturing company with 30 plus people. There are more things, but I just forget some on purpose I'm sure. I have been a young Hippie type, heavy into drugs, been a punk in the late seventies into the eighties, drank like a fish and been with more than my share of beautiful women. Married twice and been in real love only 4 times. Broken bones in sport, play and work including blowing out my knee, broke my shoulder blade and had broken ribs playing lacrosse, broke my jaw mountain climbing, broke my foot and arm off shore oil, broke my hand in manufacturing and broke my back on vacation in West Virginia with the family. I hurt all over, but I have boundless energy and am always doing something. I pick up anything, have moved countless yards of dirt and rocks, put in beaches and sea walls and moved thousands of pounds of boxes furniture and clothing for my Mid-Century store, flea markets and my wife's vintage clothing store. I hurt all over, but mostly in my heart. 

What in the Hell Happened in Terrorism to Forget About the Cause and Just Maim and Kill?

I hate to say it this, as I am not a fan of any kind of Terrorism, but have they lost their freaking minds? I do believe in causes and the need for revolutionary acts for basic human principles and rights. Well I should not be an American if I did not understand and support the reasons for our countries existence and the cost of our first freedom from the British and our internal Civil War for the fight for Freedom of all.

I would like to say blowing up shit just to prove a point I almost understand as long as you have those “basic principles and human rights” as your causes and nobody, and I mean nobody gets hurt. But it gets too fuzzy as someone not responsible pays the bill and someone inevitably gets hurt.

Not like blow up a bank or your neighbor’s mailbox….causes here we are talking…causes.

I do understand the passive principles of Mahatma Gandhi and wish this process could work in every circumstance. But hopes and dreamers died in the Holocaust without a fight (no condemning them in anyway, just remorse and shame felt for the world) and there cause I think was just life itself.

I don’t own a gun and have no desire to own one at this time. I don’t believe it’s my singular right to unarm Americans as this is a dangerous world and we have a really screwed up government who done not know how to say no to anything except criticism of its self. I am not scared of the armed person next door who legally has a gun. I’m glad they are there!

So off the track but it all means something in this thought pattern I have going (I think...)

Tinkering thought pattern (trying to connect dots)

So you blow up a bus…wherever (just so happens in Russia today)…to move your cause forward so that your providence from the old Soviet System can be free of the Russians…….and the Russians are brutal…..they left Afganistan after they killed so many and bombed many parts into the stone age……and this action outside your boards of disputed land you think will possibly scare them or turn the world body to force Russia to leave……and they see the dead bodies and mangled bus…….and the world is suppose to be in Russia for the Olympics in 6 weeks…….a model of peace between nations…..oh yea remember how much love and sympathy the  “Black September” Palestine got after the 1972 Munich Olympic……oh yea advance your cause and you have NO FRIENDS IN THE WORLD NOW….opps looks like you used someone’s daughter or sister to do the dirty deed……

Figure it out….damn…economically shut them down….strike like Poland…..sit down like Lennon or Gandhi…..take to the streets in millions…..take videos of oppression and get them out of the country and find sleazy hungry media…get everyone to sit down at once!.....if that is everyone want Russia out (don’t know that and could be a valid point.)

But blowing up people to get your point across or negotiate. Get a life…figure it out…don’t take a life that is innocent. We are not talking hitting military installations, no we are talking train stations and schools and buses.

Ok we have them here too. Oklahoma Bombing (been there and know people who were there) moment of silence please.

And there are the far out wings of Animal Rights Groups and Eco-terrorists like Earth Liberation Front (ELF). What there are 6 or 7 known in ELF and maybe a dozen at most ever in the movement? They burn down new houses or cars or wacky things to try and save forests. But train stations and buses. HAS THIS EVERY GOT ANY OF THERE CAUSES ANYWHERE?

REST MY CASE

As always I hate to re read stuff and I apologize to myself for the errors (and maybe you too)

Moving Again - This Time 75 Feet! - And it Feels Like a Knife Stuck in my BRAIN!

The proverbial "Knife in the Brain"

Well here I go again. I'm moving. It's getting crazy! I picked up my thing (all in 10 minutes or less) and shifted my weary bones upstairs into the spare room and out of the bedroom. It was dark in there and I don't mean from the lights or windows! She got me to return and dickshit here bought the farm, all the cows, pigs, animal shit and all! I was ready to break the barrier I said I would not cross. She said she was ready. I gave it 200%, but she just wallowed in the past and hung onto it with dear life. What the fuck is back there? What the hell can anyone do about it? Who wants to live it over again? 

Well back to the move which is not escaping. I'm here, let's give it a try. I moved out of respect and caution for her feelings. She was not ready that's for sure! So give her some space and extend compassion and understanding even if she is showing none. I have time. Time moves very slowly as hours crawl by and clouds are motionless. I have learned how to enjoy each moment and there was no enjoyment waiting for her to find the light. I sure could not help her find it. She has to find her own way even if it is failure to me but a win for her.

This may make sense to nobody but me and I wish she could hear me without all the prejudices from the past to cloud her mind. My discussions are cryptic as each and every word I mutter is dissected and responded to adding the inflection of my voice and movement of any part or multiple parts of my body from a critical review. Who live like that? It feels like a knife stuck in by brain, hence the picture of my how it feels upstairs in my HEAD…………..

I Learned Something Tonight - Love and hate

Well its funny how when you wish for something, something happens and it's not always the result you wanted. I yea, it's not and its shitty how hard it scan strike you. Below the belt they hit with a twist like a dull knife in the chest. I always knew you could not make someone love you. I always knew that love lost is lost forever. I just did not realize how dumb I was. It's possible for someone to love you just enough, yes that tad over the edge from not love or even hate, just to keep you hanging for torture. Not that they mean to torture you. Not that they planned it or try to or need to, they just do without trying. It's all they have left of a relationship and they have no compassion or consideration left. You can try to change and what they want is more change. 

But when is there nothing left of who you are? Don’t you want someone to love you for who you are? Its little things that are thrown at you (or place so carefully like to trip you), big things and things that you do only once or things that don’t matter at all. It’s dragging up things from the past and placing in discussions of the present. They do it with great skill and crush you in the moment where you are attempting to reconcile. Even open your inner self. This person you love does this when you are beyond vulnerable with your soul like a brain open in the middle of surgery. 

They are never going to love you like you love them. They don't understand what they are missing each passing moment. They will never feel what you feel. Give up on it or just give up on your self.

Looking for a Crack in the Paper Thin Armor

It is like a slow life in China around the turn of a couple of centuries ago.  The sound of the wind and soft rain on my cheek.  Whispers of the insects in the night air and a light fog lay close to the ground over in a different world which runs and runs. It has no direction of final bearing. It wants and knows nothing, tries and fails at most and is suffocated with the air so close. I wish I could TV love. You know the foolish stupid crazy kind of love when you were 16. Not the TV love of today or yesterday, but long ago in my Vintage mind, maybe in the silent movies where a look or a slight motion says it all. I have it in me and I have the vision of it being so close, but it in covered in a membrane so so thin which can only be broken by love from the other side.

Knowing that I have this in me make me whole as I know myself. It is strength and comforting. Knowing that it may never break through from the other side makes me sad for someone else who I can’t reach.

Life is so short, but when you are whole and see almost all (never all as only someone else can broaden this and show you the rest) your footsteps are light and everything is soft and lovely.