Damn success as it is possibly failure

It was a settlement. It feels like the aftermath of the Paris talks during Vietnam and the Nixon bombing. Peace in destruction. Death with catapulting forward to end a mess which we just want out of. I want in and back, I capitulate with the thought of leaving my core values in place as my vintage mind thinks. It what I am is a man which keeps me here. Years I thought the only way of existence was the thought the opportunity to share my being, my love, my gift of giving, with another. I thought that I have found this. Although I am an inner man from an old age of strength, I must by no choice of my own live in this now founded world we call the present.   The core items my father taught me you must have: Food, Clothing and Shelter. He did no mention love or any physiological needs a man may need to survive.
I am back, the divorce ended with me begging and pleading with my one true love for the opportunity to live as one together. Share all, work together, live together, decide all together, keep some independence but love together. It seemed good and I broke down and fell to pieces in the process. There all over the place those pieces. Fuck what a mess. I am trying to hold it together. I bared all and it was in the breath of the cold man from the North's wintry blow. I can see that face from the old cartoon of the face in the clouds with the blueness. I drink more now. Hidden to the side like a man with flasks under the bed. I am never around anyone when I do and mostly late in the night. I find myself crying allot and it should be the other way around. I have given up myself to commit complete love to someone who does not love me for who I am. For this moment of being near her, smelling her smell, seeing the faint smiles at time to me is enough as I love her so. Being near my children, seeing them everyday. For this I have given myself away for a pound of salt. What I need or want is gone. It's hard to see it go but alas, I have forsaken my personal desired and dreams for the slight smell of perfume and a love who loves me not. When it tires I shall leave this earth by my choosing, not by it choosing me I have decided. There will be a time she leaves me as I am older and I have lost that confidence in her. She is not the love I married, she is driven by the immediate demons of this world and knows not any longer the true love we had. I now have dreams with moments of pleasure which I may find and of dying alone in a place of my choice with only the world of nature around me.
-

Ship on the rocks

Well my life has crashed. It's so simple to say this. profound, but heartless. An accident which could not be prevented. A bolder unseen. A tree in the middle of the road seen by all but me. I tried, gave it my all, kicked in the teeth, gutted, thrown away trash in one of those handy cinch sacks. Fucking steel promised bags, black and ghastly. I am drifting in the past somewhere on the fucking ocean, somewhere fateful and past my port. Captain I am, leader I was, steering with dead men in a storm. I don't care if we all die. Fuck I hope we all do. Drag their asses into the rocks Pour the rum pour into the our throats till it chokes the best of us all. I keep them following me into the storm, past the safe long route, past the chance they, or I for a matter of fact will ever see our loved ones. Damn it all, lead on, into the thunder of the night, darkness of death, void of light and the thought of survival. Take it to the bottom with me. All who dared to go this far and suck them into the main event. Here I stare, wanting and striving to reach the death and safety of the rocks. Here we are waves are great beasts hovering over my head taking to long to crash. The deck heaves, the wood showing it's fragility which seemed so strong under my feet. now.  I waited, not looking for the safety out of the tragedy, for what, a hand, a bit of love, a simple look, wanted need for my soul, but it was in vain. Waiting took my only chance away, worth it or not, it is gone. Damn you all. None cared. Sadly none watch to my knowledge.  She took my life soul and most of all my heart and foolishly served it for dinner to haggards and swines. I see the wash on my deck and the mast is gone and the sound of buckling members is a soothing sound. I was sorry for the voyeur's and crew of my once mighty life, but now it matters none,

It's been a little bit since I have been here

I have been on a hiatus away from writing and trying to figure out where I am at not where I am going.  Understanding certain predicaments in specific times in your life can be eye opening to say the least. I am in limbo. Love that word Limbo! It’s like you’re stuck between the “L” and the “o” and don’t know the right place to exit. I know I am here, I just don’t know how to end it with starting something up. If it’s like I am not making sense, for sure I’m not. Sense in the proper sense means you have to have a grip somewhere or it does not make sense. I’m not happy all the time and far from sad, I’m not divorced, but for sure this is not marriage. It’s been a year alone and then again I am not alone. Friendship only (damn my choice).I am such that Vintage Man and I can’t break my personal vows. But it’s not that serious, you just never know until you are intimate.

Sometimes I want to change who I am from the core and let some of what’s inside rot. I am afraid if I look inside it may already have rotted. 

The Jeff beck Group, The Faces and Rod Stewart and how he really screwed the pouch!

Well a recent purchase of The Jeff Beck Groups Truth, Beck'Ola, Rough and Ready (I already have the albums packed away somewhere by at a buck a piece what the hell) and my constant listening to Gasoline Alley by Rod Stewart, and albums by him with the Faces make me think?

What the fuck happened to Rod Stewart?  

Candy Apple Pussy Music happened. Sorry to be crude but I could not help myself. Actually what I want to say is worse because he flushed his ass musically down the toilet!  This was like one of the main freaking premo English blues - rock sound coming out of England.

Of course at that time we had other greats from John Mayall (moved to England early on from the states, Long John Baldry, Graham Bond, Cream early Rolling Stones to Led Zeppelin.

They may be faded out at times but they never really went over the cliff to POP LAND and made BAD MUSIC. Not with talent like Rod’s. Loose that talent for some blond ass and pink and red scarf’s tight pants. I could go on but…………..

Some things get under my skin

Lost between happiness and direction from a vintage view

I am lost between happiness and direction without a doubt. My extreme forward motion in this time thankfully is guarded by my core principles.  I would love to heavily date, have glorious sex and wake up with a woman next to me and have a true plan in life, but alas it is not yet. Soon to be casting off an old sinking ship is a small skiff; I will re enter this world like a newborn. There is opportunity, time, lust, pleasure, and pain coming for sure. I tow with me not a broken relationship, but the lessons of myself, my father and all before me. I was the last in the family name and have produced an offspring of male gender who is now his task to continue on the family blood line. I have given my all, although not always the best for others, but it was my best. Never mean, cruel or a soul who uses others as a stepping stone, I took the hard path and do not regret it. This firm path was on the strength of my forefathers and someday will just be a bit of dust left here on earth. I still can look in the mirror at myself with the proud stare I had when I started the mature part of this journey and do so with no out being scared of the future or my current surroundings.

I have someone who cares for me now, but I dare not shake my inner tree by breaking my cardinal rule for keeping faithful to the end of a relationship. Where it goes after it is very soon over, who knows, but it is comforting now to know there is someone solid who cares about me. Thankfully I can gather from my inner sanctum of lesson passed down from elderly gentlemen and ladies, pieces of this vintage past which I surround myself in and the feeling I have of the past in my blood to guide me. 

I guess Peace maybe coming at last.

"Bring Me the Disco King" David Bowie a Change of Pace for the day

Originally recorded in 1993 for Black Tie - White Noise and finally released in 2003 - "Bring me the Disco King"

Just a moment is needed sometimes to slow down the day

Stig Lindberg faience leaf bowl for Gustavsberg AB designed in the 1950s. Vintage man unpacks more.

Well another of the wonderful pieces I have acquired in the 1980's. This is a Faience bowl in the leaf pattern by one of my top 10 favorite designers, Stig Lindberg for Gustavsberg AB. This is one of those things when you are an ignorant young fool who does not know art from his ass, but he does know what he likes. Looking back at what I have passed up would drive me insane if sat down and went through it all. But hell, what is in the past is a fine memory of silk. This rare wonderful Vintage piece of European Ceramics id very fragile and has passed through hands to my steady hand. Soft earthenware bowl with white, yellow, blue and black glaze is a perfect find for the spring. This is one of my few enjoyments of this tumbling time in my life.

Stig Lindberg for Gustavsberg

Swedish National Museum Site

http://emp-web-22.zetcom.ch/eMuseumPlus?service=ExternalInterface&module=collection&objectId=104536&viewType=detailView