It was a settlement. It feels like the aftermath of the Paris talks during Vietnam and the Nixon bombing. Peace in destruction. Death with catapulting forward to end a mess which we just want out of. I want in and back, I capitulate with the thought of leaving my core values in place as my vintage mind thinks. It what I am is a man which keeps me here. Years I thought the only way of existence was the thought the opportunity to share my being, my love, my gift of giving, with another. I thought that I have found this. Although I am an inner man from an old age of strength, I must by no choice of my own live in this now founded world we call the present. The core items my father taught me you must have: Food, Clothing and Shelter. He did no mention love or any physiological needs a man may need to survive.
I am back, the divorce ended with me begging and pleading with my one true love for the opportunity to live as one together. Share all, work together, live together, decide all together, keep some independence but love together. It seemed good and I broke down and fell to pieces in the process. There all over the place those pieces. Fuck what a mess. I am trying to hold it together. I bared all and it was in the breath of the cold man from the North's wintry blow. I can see that face from the old cartoon of the face in the clouds with the blueness. I drink more now. Hidden to the side like a man with flasks under the bed. I am never around anyone when I do and mostly late in the night. I find myself crying allot and it should be the other way around. I have given up myself to commit complete love to someone who does not love me for who I am. For this moment of being near her, smelling her smell, seeing the faint smiles at time to me is enough as I love her so. Being near my children, seeing them everyday. For this I have given myself away for a pound of salt. What I need or want is gone. It's hard to see it go but alas, I have forsaken my personal desired and dreams for the slight smell of perfume and a love who loves me not. When it tires I shall leave this earth by my choosing, not by it choosing me I have decided. There will be a time she leaves me as I am older and I have lost that confidence in her. She is not the love I married, she is driven by the immediate demons of this world and knows not any longer the true love we had. I now have dreams with moments of pleasure which I may find and of dying alone in a place of my choice with only the world of nature around me.
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