Revelation #1

Last night I had a visit from a friend from London who I had not seen in 20 years. With another great friend who use to live in New York we spent the day together talking. With that wonderful afternoon and with a great dinner, I had the best day a have had in a very long time. She and I are both at a turning point in our lives and our reconnection and thoughtful unselfish thoughts opened up my mind to what I need deep in my heart.

I thought I can easily live alone the rest of my life, but I was wrong. I need that best friend, not a platonic best friend, but a partner in life.

Wow what a weakness! The thought that I would need someone so much brought me down to a new level. I am so self sufficient. I take care of everyone else in my life and ask for nothing. All this time, it was just a normal mechanism for me to not ask for any reciprocal giving or maybe even accept from others all these years. I have had other old friends who bring this up to me that I give too much and ask for nothing. I have defiantly agreed, it's so easy to see, but knowing that not just that I was not asking for more, but need more internally was jaw dropping to admit.

All my life I thought that I have been working together with my lovers, but a one way street of giving and not requiring any receiving alienates my lover from my heart.

What a revelation.