Happy New Year 2014!

Well I made it as well as all who are still here with me in this world. It's time to reflect and see what is in store for us. Everything is possible within reason. Happiness and sadness will come this year and understanding that is so important. It's not time to turn over a new leaf, it's time to plant and water and feed a new tree to have new growth. Understand the past as a man who came from that Vintage Past and try not repeat anything but invent a whole new world of possibilities. Take a bite, give it your all as it may be your last.I have a new opportunity, a chance, and only with this effort shall I possibly prevail. They will not know me this year as I will not be a reflection of the man they knew.

I hope that all I meet will be wondrous to me and that they cast their shadow on me however light or dark it is.

Happy New Year to all who are alive and best of luck in this adventure.

I Hurt All over - It's has been a Long Long Life.

I have done many things in my life, more than most I do believe. I have always worked and always played hard except for the last 10 years. I have just worked hard these last 10. Went to high end prep schools out east and college in Boston and Michigan but never graduated. Worked in a Coney Island, worked for Boeing on aircraft engine parts, a couple of years offshore, worked at Caesars Palace in Vegas, owned a Mid-Century Store and for 30 plus years worked and then owned a specialty manufacturing company with 30 plus people. There are more things, but I just forget some on purpose I'm sure. I have been a young Hippie type, heavy into drugs, been a punk in the late seventies into the eighties, drank like a fish and been with more than my share of beautiful women. Married twice and been in real love only 4 times. Broken bones in sport, play and work including blowing out my knee, broke my shoulder blade and had broken ribs playing lacrosse, broke my jaw mountain climbing, broke my foot and arm off shore oil, broke my hand in manufacturing and broke my back on vacation in West Virginia with the family. I hurt all over, but I have boundless energy and am always doing something. I pick up anything, have moved countless yards of dirt and rocks, put in beaches and sea walls and moved thousands of pounds of boxes furniture and clothing for my Mid-Century store, flea markets and my wife's vintage clothing store. I hurt all over, but mostly in my heart. 

What in the Hell Happened in Terrorism to Forget About the Cause and Just Maim and Kill?

I hate to say it this, as I am not a fan of any kind of Terrorism, but have they lost their freaking minds? I do believe in causes and the need for revolutionary acts for basic human principles and rights. Well I should not be an American if I did not understand and support the reasons for our countries existence and the cost of our first freedom from the British and our internal Civil War for the fight for Freedom of all.

I would like to say blowing up shit just to prove a point I almost understand as long as you have those “basic principles and human rights” as your causes and nobody, and I mean nobody gets hurt. But it gets too fuzzy as someone not responsible pays the bill and someone inevitably gets hurt.

Not like blow up a bank or your neighbor’s mailbox….causes here we are talking…causes.

I do understand the passive principles of Mahatma Gandhi and wish this process could work in every circumstance. But hopes and dreamers died in the Holocaust without a fight (no condemning them in anyway, just remorse and shame felt for the world) and there cause I think was just life itself.

I don’t own a gun and have no desire to own one at this time. I don’t believe it’s my singular right to unarm Americans as this is a dangerous world and we have a really screwed up government who done not know how to say no to anything except criticism of its self. I am not scared of the armed person next door who legally has a gun. I’m glad they are there!

So off the track but it all means something in this thought pattern I have going (I think...)

Tinkering thought pattern (trying to connect dots)

So you blow up a bus…wherever (just so happens in Russia today)…to move your cause forward so that your providence from the old Soviet System can be free of the Russians…….and the Russians are brutal…..they left Afganistan after they killed so many and bombed many parts into the stone age……and this action outside your boards of disputed land you think will possibly scare them or turn the world body to force Russia to leave……and they see the dead bodies and mangled bus…….and the world is suppose to be in Russia for the Olympics in 6 weeks…….a model of peace between nations…..oh yea remember how much love and sympathy the  “Black September” Palestine got after the 1972 Munich Olympic……oh yea advance your cause and you have NO FRIENDS IN THE WORLD NOW….opps looks like you used someone’s daughter or sister to do the dirty deed……

Figure it out….damn…economically shut them down….strike like Poland…..sit down like Lennon or Gandhi…..take to the streets in millions…..take videos of oppression and get them out of the country and find sleazy hungry media…get everyone to sit down at once!.....if that is everyone want Russia out (don’t know that and could be a valid point.)

But blowing up people to get your point across or negotiate. Get a life…figure it out…don’t take a life that is innocent. We are not talking hitting military installations, no we are talking train stations and schools and buses.

Ok we have them here too. Oklahoma Bombing (been there and know people who were there) moment of silence please.

And there are the far out wings of Animal Rights Groups and Eco-terrorists like Earth Liberation Front (ELF). What there are 6 or 7 known in ELF and maybe a dozen at most ever in the movement? They burn down new houses or cars or wacky things to try and save forests. But train stations and buses. HAS THIS EVERY GOT ANY OF THERE CAUSES ANYWHERE?

REST MY CASE

As always I hate to re read stuff and I apologize to myself for the errors (and maybe you too)

Moving Again - This Time 75 Feet! - And it Feels Like a Knife Stuck in my BRAIN!

The proverbial "Knife in the Brain"

Well here I go again. I'm moving. It's getting crazy! I picked up my thing (all in 10 minutes or less) and shifted my weary bones upstairs into the spare room and out of the bedroom. It was dark in there and I don't mean from the lights or windows! She got me to return and dickshit here bought the farm, all the cows, pigs, animal shit and all! I was ready to break the barrier I said I would not cross. She said she was ready. I gave it 200%, but she just wallowed in the past and hung onto it with dear life. What the fuck is back there? What the hell can anyone do about it? Who wants to live it over again? 

Well back to the move which is not escaping. I'm here, let's give it a try. I moved out of respect and caution for her feelings. She was not ready that's for sure! So give her some space and extend compassion and understanding even if she is showing none. I have time. Time moves very slowly as hours crawl by and clouds are motionless. I have learned how to enjoy each moment and there was no enjoyment waiting for her to find the light. I sure could not help her find it. She has to find her own way even if it is failure to me but a win for her.

This may make sense to nobody but me and I wish she could hear me without all the prejudices from the past to cloud her mind. My discussions are cryptic as each and every word I mutter is dissected and responded to adding the inflection of my voice and movement of any part or multiple parts of my body from a critical review. Who live like that? It feels like a knife stuck in by brain, hence the picture of my how it feels upstairs in my HEAD…………..

I Learned Something Tonight - Love and hate

Well its funny how when you wish for something, something happens and it's not always the result you wanted. I yea, it's not and its shitty how hard it scan strike you. Below the belt they hit with a twist like a dull knife in the chest. I always knew you could not make someone love you. I always knew that love lost is lost forever. I just did not realize how dumb I was. It's possible for someone to love you just enough, yes that tad over the edge from not love or even hate, just to keep you hanging for torture. Not that they mean to torture you. Not that they planned it or try to or need to, they just do without trying. It's all they have left of a relationship and they have no compassion or consideration left. You can try to change and what they want is more change. 

But when is there nothing left of who you are? Don’t you want someone to love you for who you are? Its little things that are thrown at you (or place so carefully like to trip you), big things and things that you do only once or things that don’t matter at all. It’s dragging up things from the past and placing in discussions of the present. They do it with great skill and crush you in the moment where you are attempting to reconcile. Even open your inner self. This person you love does this when you are beyond vulnerable with your soul like a brain open in the middle of surgery. 

They are never going to love you like you love them. They don't understand what they are missing each passing moment. They will never feel what you feel. Give up on it or just give up on your self.

Looking for a Crack in the Paper Thin Armor

It is like a slow life in China around the turn of a couple of centuries ago.  The sound of the wind and soft rain on my cheek.  Whispers of the insects in the night air and a light fog lay close to the ground over in a different world which runs and runs. It has no direction of final bearing. It wants and knows nothing, tries and fails at most and is suffocated with the air so close. I wish I could TV love. You know the foolish stupid crazy kind of love when you were 16. Not the TV love of today or yesterday, but long ago in my Vintage mind, maybe in the silent movies where a look or a slight motion says it all. I have it in me and I have the vision of it being so close, but it in covered in a membrane so so thin which can only be broken by love from the other side.

Knowing that I have this in me make me whole as I know myself. It is strength and comforting. Knowing that it may never break through from the other side makes me sad for someone else who I can’t reach.

Life is so short, but when you are whole and see almost all (never all as only someone else can broaden this and show you the rest) your footsteps are light and everything is soft and lovely.

Stig Linberg Karneval items from my collection

Below are 5 pieces of Stig Lindberg "Karneval" pottery from the 1950’s out of my collection. Digging through boxes I found these five pieces of which I have many more. Stig has always been a favorite as I am drawing to the more figurative or decorated pottery from the mid-century.

Stig Lindberg studied at the Swedish State School of arts, crafts and design in Stockholm, hoping to become a painter. After graduating in 1937 he accepted an employment as a faience painter at Gustavsberg pottery under Wilhelm Kåge. Kåge became a major influence on the young Lindberg, and in 1949 he was named his successor as art director at Gustavsberg. 

It’s strange as I started collecting at the end of the 70’s  that you just don’t normally run into these items like I use to. Sure you can buy online, but if I can’t touch and “feel” the item, I can’t buy it.

STIG LINBERG "KARNEVAL"

Hope someone enjoys this, or not.

Mundane - New Definition or Redefinition or "Life in a Black and White Silent Movie"

Things move very slowly and with shadows. It does not seem that way in color, only in Black and White. I live in a world where I am alive with happiness and pain as most the world, but around me there is no expression, no drive or ambition. If the world ended today they would not be able to pick the today as any different as others. I watch and only when I look at inanimate objects or nature do I see color. Brilliant greens and so many shades of blues and reds.I feel like am drifting in the spring flowers with the green sprouts soft under my feet and then I gaze at the world I live in and there is only Black and Whites with a couple of gray shaded areas which are shadows. I can be in the house all quiet for hours with everyone in their corner like spooked spiders. Closing doors, drawing shades, head phones on or just their ears off. I make food and they take and run to their corners. I clean the dishes and push for the interaction by going into their spaces to see if they are done and I can pick up the plates. Black and White.

Oh yea! The dogs see in color. They are alive and waiting out here with me. Playing and biting, running and jumping all over. Kisses forever. The never ending love of dogs. Poor damn things living in the house of Black and White Contrasts.

What can I do? What should I do? I don't know. Dropped most of my friends. Find my self hiding in this colorless world. Waiting and waiting like for Snow White to wake up. pathetic , wasteful of the precious time we have on this earth.

Black and white. Great for photographic studies, shitty for life.

Giving and not receiving and getting use to it. What I really wanted for Chritmas

I gladly gave what I could this Christmas. I actually gave more than I had and will end up paying some bills late. Not too far of a stretch but ZERO on a credit card. I have no more credit cards and hate what they do to people. I want to say most know what they are doing with credit cards, but it seems these days either they just don't understand how it will fuck up their life if they don't pay attention to it or they never should of qualified for one in the first place. 
So back to the point as I got off track there. I gave and did not receive. Oh I get thank you and that great and stuff like that, but I just don't need anything which could be wrapped up. I also do not expect anything anymore. Given up, left open my mind this the space it took up, free and clear.  
What did I want? One, just one or more of these things:

Compassion
Understanding of how I feel and my needs
Discussion   just talking
Laughing
A touch of a woman's hand on my face
The feeling I am need for more than my paycheck and cleaning ability
Consideration of my view

Notice I did not say love

The Two Year Road Home for Christmas - You get what you pay for

Well it's the season of what i don't know of. It's Christmas yes, but as I peer into the Hermit Crab Shell of my home, anything alive may have left or died. It's cold here. lonely, boring and surreal. This is going to be short as nothing happens around here. Everyone is not sad or happy, just missing life flying by. Fucking computers and games and phones and TVs. What about life, nature, experiences, failures, love and adventure. Even if the adventure is a discussion into how the other person is feeling. Hi, i love you, how was your day, what is your schedule tomorrow or whatever. I sit in the living room and watch everyone go to their prospective corners, close their doors and lay on beds or sit in front of a computer. This is better than not seeing my kids regular. I am the bread winner by over 1000%, I do 90% of the cooking, cleaning, shopping pick ups and deliveries and drive back and forth to schools. Well you get what you pay for they say..............

Hit by the Truck and mentally dragged down the street

Well I thought things like this did not happen to ordinary men. Yep the truck hit me. The truck, which I was not suppose to let hit ME. Yep the one you were all prepared to move a clear distance from as you saw it coming. No Rolling Stones "Emotional Rescue" here. Nope only a real dick of a brain that is as smart as a dick. (Makes no sense)What have I had not enough of shit flying at me? I ramble on here as I have been waiting by the side of the road in my life and luckily (I thought) would have a second chance at the woman, which for sure I said I would never touch or love again, take another shot at my heart. No I did not get picked up by the family bus, I got T-boned by a truck which I should have known better was there. Too much emotion, not enough love. Damn it!! Why in the world is it so hard for people to understand that you only get one chance to grow the grass of your life, but have many times to cut it. Take a shot at it, change, trust, pass, fail, it's all an experience. But me I have to jump into the lion’s den and not see that I was ready but she is not. 

So the truck hits me and I don't complain. Hooked by the bumper, dragged along, and bouncing along the road. Yep that's me. Not driving the truck and hooked on by my belt, but wait. Wait  WAIT! There still is scenery and flowers and sun and snow and life going on as I get dragged along. 

Always me seeing the sunny side of the rock even when it is under ground.

Damn success as it is possibly failure

It was a settlement. It feels like the aftermath of the Paris talks during Vietnam and the Nixon bombing. Peace in destruction. Death with catapulting forward to end a mess which we just want out of. I want in and back, I capitulate with the thought of leaving my core values in place as my vintage mind thinks. It what I am is a man which keeps me here. Years I thought the only way of existence was the thought the opportunity to share my being, my love, my gift of giving, with another. I thought that I have found this. Although I am an inner man from an old age of strength, I must by no choice of my own live in this now founded world we call the present.   The core items my father taught me you must have: Food, Clothing and Shelter. He did no mention love or any physiological needs a man may need to survive.
I am back, the divorce ended with me begging and pleading with my one true love for the opportunity to live as one together. Share all, work together, live together, decide all together, keep some independence but love together. It seemed good and I broke down and fell to pieces in the process. There all over the place those pieces. Fuck what a mess. I am trying to hold it together. I bared all and it was in the breath of the cold man from the North's wintry blow. I can see that face from the old cartoon of the face in the clouds with the blueness. I drink more now. Hidden to the side like a man with flasks under the bed. I am never around anyone when I do and mostly late in the night. I find myself crying allot and it should be the other way around. I have given up myself to commit complete love to someone who does not love me for who I am. For this moment of being near her, smelling her smell, seeing the faint smiles at time to me is enough as I love her so. Being near my children, seeing them everyday. For this I have given myself away for a pound of salt. What I need or want is gone. It's hard to see it go but alas, I have forsaken my personal desired and dreams for the slight smell of perfume and a love who loves me not. When it tires I shall leave this earth by my choosing, not by it choosing me I have decided. There will be a time she leaves me as I am older and I have lost that confidence in her. She is not the love I married, she is driven by the immediate demons of this world and knows not any longer the true love we had. I now have dreams with moments of pleasure which I may find and of dying alone in a place of my choice with only the world of nature around me.
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